Funny Corporate High Tech Employee Rant

Funny Corporate High Tech Employee Rant 7 A major Israeli high tech corporation switched to a 4-day work week in the wake of the global economic crisis. How are its employees feeling now? This article was translated from a Hebrew comedy sketch written by comedian Barak Kesar about working at the above major high tech company. Corporate hijinx Look at what we’ve come to… Look at the cleaning lady, hanging around with an “I will always have a job because there will always be dust” face. Just wait until the soap bubble you’ve been living in bursts; let’s see how you deal when the prices of bleach go up.eval Now we’re down to 4 work days… On Sunday morning my little boy picked up the phone and called the kindergarten teacher to tell her he’s not coming.eval Teacher: “Why?” Son: “Couldn’t find an arrangement for Dad. At least I managed to send Mom off to the mall.” At first it’s confusing, you don’t know if it’s Saturday or Sunday. The only way of checking is the oven. If there’s a pot of jachnun in there, it’s Saturday. And if we’re canceling days, why Sunday? Why not Thursday, save us the expenses of the Shabbat dinner while we’re at it. Things are rough everywhere, not just in high tech. The beggar at the intersection told me that due to the crisis he’s been forced to increase his work week to 8 work days. If we were factory workers, we’d at least see some action, lock the gates, burn some tires. In high tech, what’s there to do? Burn the DiskOnKey? Block the entrance? Most of us work from home anyway. Ever since the “It’ll be OK” commercial for Bank Leumi has been on the air, I’ve been panicking, hysterically! There's nothing more terrifying than an Israeli telling you “don’t worry, it’ll be ok”. There are lots of people out there looking for jobs with Bachelor’s degrees, Master’s degrees, 10 years of experience, but between us, there’s only one thing anyone needs to work for my company: an Indian citizenship. Heartbreaking to see everything going over to India. I hope the financial tsunami doesn’t get there. Personally I prefer to hope that a real tsunami gets them, the one with the waves, the jellyfish, the Thai people. It’s like in Thailand you see all the good farmers run away to Israel, or the Chinese who don’t have any more construction workers left because they’re all here. And not only do they take our jobs, they also make sure to mess with our future generation’s brains as they go to Goa after the army, only to come back in a dolphin-like state. Sometimes I feel like going there and opening an El Gaucho restaurant, on purpose, with a picture of a cow spinning on a shawarma skewer. My company has creative methods to increase efficiency. In order to get you to arrive earlier to work, they lower the number of yogurt cups in the kitchenettes. If only they knew how much valuable time I waste by chasing the last yogurt cup instead of working… If you get to work at 9:00, you’re done for. There’s no chance you’ll find yogurt. At 8:30 you stand a shot, but that includes frantically running through all the kitchenettes on all floors. And it’s not just the yogurt, it's the bread rolls too. A few years ago they’d give us sandwich rolls, then they cut down on roll size, then they just brought in empty rolls. Tomorrow they’ll give us flour, water and a recipe. And at lunch? There’s a million conditions: if you took a cold meal ticket, you’re entitled to a salad but not to dessert or a hot side dish, and God forbid you should also take a soup. In general, cold meal eaters have an identification mark â€" the special tray. You have a special tray â€" then… No Soup For YOU! Wait â€" what if it’s a cold soup? Does that count as a cold meal?! Since the food reforms I’ve been continuously paranoid. I keep imagining the caterer yelling at me through a microphone: “Company inhabitants, you are in the dining room, please act accordingly.” Yesterday I was caught red-handed… with a cold tray… and a lukewarm chicken. Fortunately, I had stuffed the rice in my pocket. Is it me, or do they have to put in less effort for food in Survivor? Now they’ve put a limit on mileage too. They’ve installed a green box in the car, sort of like a black box on a plane. (By the way, if the black box is made of material that is crash-proof, why not make the entire plane out of the same material?) There are new stickers on the back windshield. Instead of “How’s my driving? Dial…”, it's now “Am I driving? Dial…” Today my company's name is synonymous with “feel sorry for me”. Every time an article comes out about another round of dismissals at the company, there’s an obligatory scene with the neighbors. The neighbor comes over, feeling out the vibe: “Hey man, is everything ok? I’m not used to seeing you at 8 o’clock in the morning. What happened? Didn’t feel like going to work today, or they didn't feel like having you come in?” Or- “I’m sending you something to your work email account, are you still checking it?” A second neighbor: “Oh man, I saw the company sticker on your car, I didn’t know you worked there… If you need anything, I know someone at JobMaster, I can get you a good price for the subscription fee and you'll pay the first installment only after getting fired.” I’m waiting at a red light, in the car next to me is some guy from a competitor â€" now there is some sort of covert discussion with those standing next to you at the traffic light â€" he gives me the look of an Indonesian watching the tsunami hit Thailand, a look of “I survived, good luck to you.” The guys from that company have already taken over all the staircases in all the buildings, without leaving us any places to clean. I come in to work, the hallways are empty, no one dares to walk around. If someone says Shalom to me, I start to think: “Wait a minute- was that his final farewell? What can I take from his office?” Or maybe it will be he who’ll say sometime later: “I can’t believe it, I only said Shalom to him this morning.” And in general, whenever more than two people are looking at you as you’re walking through the corridor, they probably know something. And every conversation starts with “Have you heard who”? “Have you heard who got fired? Shimshon, the guy walking around here earlier with the yogurt.” “You don’t say, wait… he had yogurt?! Which room is he in?” The ways of notifying people have grown sophisticated too. One guy was asked whether he’d opened the “Mamon” (business) paper on Saturday. He answered: “No. Why”? They told him: “You should, they've got some good classifieds in there…” There was one VP who was really nervous before “the talk”. “We’ve called you in to let you know that we’ve arranged an office for you.” “An office in the corner building?” “Close, the unemployment office.” I heard one guy who was told: “Listen, if they call you from “Big Brother” or “Survivor” and ask you to participate in their next season, tell them you’re available.” Women, however- are covered. Once, when there were wars, you’d know that after 9 months there’d be an increase in the number of births. Now, it’s the same thing. Every round of dismissals triggers a baby boom. There’ll be a song about it in a few years: “We are the children of the high tech crisis 2009”. Pregnancy. Your anti-dismissal pill. 100% proven success rate. In a few years the kid will ask you: “Mommy, did I come into the world by mistake?” And you’ll answer, “No honey, Mommy was on the chopping block at work” “And my seven brothers and sisters?” “What can I say honey, they had my number, I had to dodge the boot quite a bit.” Today, getting pregnant is like getting immunity. Even a single woman I know pulled out a positive pregnancy test stick and shoved it in my face. I told her: “Saral'e? You’re religious!” She told me: “I did a Shabbat at the kolel, everything included, the Rabbi said that all means are kosher.” There are also the fakers. One woman comes in for the talk with a huge belly. “What’s that”? They asked her. “Pregnancy!” she answered. “From whom? (bedding maker) The “Fried Brothers”? “No, why?” she asked. “Because the corridor is covered in goose feathers, you have a hole in your pillow.” A friend of mine told me that his wife won’t let him sleep! “I have to get pregnant, I have to get pregnant”. Eventually, he ended up getting fired for coming to work exhausted. I said to him: “you should have told me, we could have done shifts. What does it matter, pregnancy is pregnancy.” If you liked this article, you'll enjoy Funny Unemployed Job Seeker’s To Do List.

On the Job by Anita Bruzzese Why Technology Wont Solve All Your Productivity Problems -- and What Will

On the Job by Anita Bruzzese Why Technology Won't Solve All Your Productivity Problems -- and What Will For a while now, youve noticed that you are falling more and more behind at work, even though youre exhausted at the end of the day because youve been so busy. Its not like youre goofing off you just have too much to do! So, you figure maybe a couple of the new apps youve heard about will do the trick as theyre designed tomake you more productive, organized and efficient. But at the end of the week, youre still not caught up at work you think you might even be more behind. To top it off, youre even more exhausted and stressed because you cant seem to get a handle on your workload and balance it with your personal life. It might help to realize youre not alone, which is why there is such a surge in the popularity and number of productivity self-help books. One of those, Smarter Faster Better: The Secrets of Being Productive in Life and Business has landed author Charles Duhigg on the bestseller lists. I think we are living through a period of economic change on par with the Industrial Revolution, says Duhigg, a Pulitzer-prize winning investigative reporter forThe New York Times. There is a certain amount of anxiety generated by such a big change. Its exciting but its not easy. What most of us have discovered, he says, is that while technology is wonderful, it doesnt solve all of our problems. Thats because we may believe that if we use technology to work longer days, to perform more tasks and to be more connected than ever before, we will find success and satisfaction. But the truth is that only when we use technology and data to meet our specific needs is it helpful. Sometimes the best thing you can do is slow down and make sense of the data coming at you and not get overwhelmed by it, Duhigg says. In addition, leaders can help teams be more productive by allowing them to interact with data in ways that will help them retain the information better. For example, medical schools have the see one, do one, teach one philosophy because they know that allowing students to interact with patients is the way to help them best learn and then further cement that information by teaching it to others, he says. Its not always because you want to teach someone else, but it does help it (information or process) to sink in, he says. Further, technology can be helpful and improve your daily work only when you can see the data embedded in those decisions and then use it somehow tolearn from it, he says. In his research of how companies and individualsget more done, Duhigg finds: Speaking freely matters.Teams are more effective when members feel itssafe to say what they thinkand everyone gets equal air time. Its also important that team members are sensitive to the feelings of others. Leaders have to be careful that they dont reward the loudest in the group or fail to answer questions. By showing (read more here)

10 (and a bit) things PhDs should know about the Careers Service University of Manchester Careers Blog

10 (and a bit) things PhDs should know about the Careers Service University of Manchester Careers Blog We’re here for you during your PhD (and for 2 years after) We have web pages chock full of useful information and resources including the THE Award winning An Academic Career You can talk to us â€" drop in to the Atrium to talk to one of our Information Specialists book a one-to-one guidance appointment (NB â€" due to demand, these are reduced to 15 minute quick query sessions during September-October, but are usually 30 minutes) if you are a HUMS PGR â€" book a one-to-one guidance appointment in the Ellen Wilkinson see an Applications Advisor if you have an upcoming interview, you can get interview support Manchester Gold Doctoral Researcher We like connecting with you on social media (this blog, for example) and @ManPGCareers to share and discuss PhD related topics, events, opportunities, activities, hear your ideas â€" and just to get to know each other. CareersLink advertises opportunities for you during and after your PhD (as well as events) Careers Essentials 1 hour sessions open to all postgraduates to help you plan your post-PhD career with confidence. Normal 0 false false false EN-GB X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:Table Normal; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:Calibri,sans-serif; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;} Career Essentials: CVs for Postgraduates February 8 2017 1pm-2pm Ellen Wilkinson Building, SALC Graduate School, Conference Room C1.18   Your CV needs to get you to interview. This one hour session tells you what you need to know in order to create an effective CV that works for you Careers Link event id: 3837 Careers Essentials: Covering Letters for Postgraduates, February 15 2017 1pm -2pm, Ellen Wilkinson Building, SALC Graduate School, Conference Room C1.18 Your covering letter is a critical part of your application. In this one hour session you’ll find out how to write a compelling letter that will make employers notice you. Careers Link event id: 3838 Career Essentials: Interviews for Postgraduates, February 22 2017 1pm-2pm, Ellen Wilkinson Building, SALC Graduate School, Conference Room C1.18 A successful interview is all that stands between you and your dream job. This one hour workshop will introduce you to the basic skills and knowledge you need to prepare for a successful interview. Careers Link event i.d. 3839 Career Essentials: Becoming an Academic, March 1st 2017 1pm-2pm, Ellen Wilkinson Building, SALC Graduate School, Conference Room C1.18 Do you want an academic career? Is it right for you? This session will help you understand the reality of academic careers, assess your potential and plan your next steps. Careers Link event id: 3842 We run workshops with the Faculties â€" check the Training Catalogue throughout the year You can attend other Careers Service events to meet employers and get career ideas The Pathways Event careers for researchers is coming June 2017 All Postgrad-highlighted Postgraduate career planning Getting started summer internships

Marijuana Can Recruiters Screen Candidates for a Now Legal Drug

Marijuana Can Recruiters Screen Candidates for a Now Legal Drug Another year has come and gone. It’s 2014, and the world is changing. Some changes are good, and some are bad, and some are just dependent upon whom you ask. I can tell you one change that’s been making front-page news in the U.S. lately: legalized marijuana in Colorado. As of January 1st 2014, Colorado residents 21 years of age or older can legally purchase and consume limited amounts of cannabis. This poses a unique and troubling problem for recruiters and employers â€" how do you drug screen prospective employees for a substance that is now legal? Despite the passage of Amendment 64 legalizing marijuana, employers still have full authority to impose any drug prohibitions they wish. While the drug’s proponents may be enjoying its new-found legality, they may also be enjoying a false sense of security in thinking the legality will protect their employment. On the contrary, buried in the fine print of the amendment is the verbiage stating that the law does not “affect the ability of employers to have policies restricting the use of marijuana by employees.” It comes as no surprise that employers can fire an employee for using the drug at work, or working while under the influence â€" this is no different than alcohol. The confusion lies in the fact that employers can fire employees for legally using in the privacy of their own homes, even if they have a prescription for medical use. Traces of marijuana can remain in the body for over 30 days. For those employers who have adopted a zero tolerance policy in the workplace, they have every right to continue drug screening and firing users. Cigarettes: So what about the correlation to cigarette smoking? Many employers offer a smoke-free work environment to protect the safety and health of their employees and customers. Employees who violate a smoking ban by smoking in restricted areas can be fired â€" that’s a given. However, employees who smoke away from the office make up a gray area. In some states, employers are allowed to test employees and job applicants for nicotine, just as they might for drugs, and terminate or deny employment to those who test positive. Federal law allows this, as smokers are not considered a protected class. In some states, however, smokers’ rights are protected by the state, even if they’re not protected by the federal government. In those states, employers are not allowed to take into account whether or not a person smokes in the privacy of his or her own home. Using this information as hiring criteria is forbidden, as is terminating an employee for smoking on his or her own time. Interestingly enough, Colorado is one of these states. So why wouldn’t this protection extend to the now-legal practice of marijuana use? Its still illegal: The answer is fairly simple â€" despite the amendment legalizing its use in certain individual states, marijuana is still illegal under U.S. federal law. This gives employers the right to maintain a drug-free workplace, regardless of where or for what reason the employee uses. In 2011, a quadriplegic employee of DISH Network sued the company after being terminated for testing positive for marijuana. The employee admitted to using the drug legally by prescription to control muscle spasms, but stated he was never under the influence while at work. The Colorado Court of Appeals upheld the firing, stating that because of the drug’s illegal status under federal law, employers are not bound by Colorado’s Lawful Off-Duty Activities Statute, which otherwise prevents employers from interfering in employees’ activities outside of work. According to Curtis Graves, an attorney for the Mountain States Employers Council, if a company has a drug policy in place and an employee fails a drug te st, “employers can take whatever action they deem to be prudent.” Conclusions: While the law is clear, confusion and frustration still exist. Contradicting state and federal laws can result in employees losing their jobs for doing something in the privacy of their own homes that the state deems perfectly legal. According to Mason Tvert, co-director of the Amendment 64 campaign, a double-standard exists in that employers would almost never sanction a worker for off-duty alcohol use unless it affects his or her job performance, yet this is not the case with marijuana use. Tvert adds, “It’s really irrational to punish employees for engaging in lawful activities outside of the workplace.” The legalization of recreational drugs is a new area for most employers. Just like the repeal of prohibition in the U.S. in 1933, legalization brings new questions to light, and there is much territory to be covered before smooth waters can be navigated in the journey to employers’ and recreational drug users’ coexistence. While most of these challenges have yet to emerge, they could cause an additional hurdle in the recruiting process. I’d be interested to know how many veteran recruiters have already encountered such hurdles… READ MORE:  10 Reasons Why You Need to Screen Applicants When Recruiting

Over 50 Is Personal Branding for Boomers, too - Executive Career Brandâ„¢

Over 50 Is Personal Branding for Boomers, too Do Boomers Need Personal Branding, too?

7 Benefits of Starting a New Career as a Truck Driver - CareerAlley

7 Benefits of Starting a New Career as a Truck Driver - CareerAlley We may receive compensation when you click on links to products from our partners. If youre bored with your current job and dont like the idea of being stuck in the same place for the rest of your career, then its time to make a change. Life behind a desk or in a factory can mean that every workday feels the same, so its only natural to want to seek out a new challenge. Becoming a truck driver and pursuing a career in the haulage industry may not be a job option that you have considered in the past. However, it is a job that may be your perfect match if you are ready to try something new. If youre wondering if its the right career choice for you, then here are some of the positives that you could gain from training to be a truck driver: Becoming a truck driver and pursuing a career in the haulage industry may not be a job option that you have considered in the past. However, it is a job that may be your perfect match if you are ready to try something new. Tweet This Enjoy the freedom of being on the road Becoming a truck driver is a career that is quite literally going places. No two days will be the same when you are on the road. Instead of being cooped up all day, you will be out and about traveling from place to place. Satisfy your sense of adventure If you are someone that loves to travel to new places, then being a truck driver will get you to do just that. In the course of your work, you will come across many places that you probably wont have ever visited before, or maybe even have heard about. Discovering new places will mean that every day is exciting and brings something new. Truck drivers are among the most valued workers in the modern world. They work for companies of all types and sizes, shipping their products from the place of production to the place of marketing. The nature of their lives has been commemorated in countless songs, making them the twentieth- century equivalent of the nineteenth century pioneer or frontiersman. How to Become Your Own Boss as a Truck Driver Gain a qualification Passing your cdl training and achieving your license is a great feeling. Having this qualification opens up many opportunities for you, and is just the start of your exciting new journey as you begin your career as a truck driver. Image by falco from Pixabay Join a profession thats always in demand Recent reports show that truck drivers are in demand. There is currently a shortfall of drivers, as older truck drivers start to retire, meaning that there is plenty of opportunity for employment. Provide a vital service According to the American Trucking Associations (ATA), almost 71% of freight tonnage transported around the US is done by trucks. This means that the entire country is dependent on truck drivers for items that are essential to everyday life. Without truck drivers, the majority of freight just wouldnt be transported. Start a long term career Some career choices have a limited time span. After several years, you may need to start looking for something new and make a career change. However, a career in freight offers a long term job choice, which minimizes worries about future employment. Meet new people If you love to get out and have the chance to meet new people, this is the career choice for you! During your day, you will get to know familiar faces, work as part of a team, and meet plenty of new people too. Truck driving certainly is a job that doesnt get boring. What's next? Ready to take action? Choose the right tools to help you build your career. Looking for related topics? Find out how to find the opportunities that help you grow your best career. Subscribe and make meaningful progress on your career. It’s about time you focused on your career. Get Educated Contact Us Advertise Copyright 2020 CareerAlley. All Rights Reserved. Privacy Policy + Disclosure home popular resources subscribe search

How to Use Professional Resume Writing Service to Make My Resume More Creative

How to Use Professional Resume Writing Service to Make My Resume More CreativeRatan Kunj, Aram Nagar, and Heri - these are the city of Mumbai's anchorages that need to be seen and not just mentioned. To make your resume unique in nature, you can take the help of a professional CV writing service in Mumbai. They have good experience and know how to make your resume rich in content. Being able to maintain your creativity while presenting your resume is a necessity of life.If you're seeking for a professional CV writing service in Mumbai, it's important to choose one that is reliable and able to deliver the results that you want. An experienced CV writing service in Mumbai is known to use a variety of techniques to highlight your strengths and skills and make your resume unique. In fact, such services in Mumbai can also add the unique and striking design of your resumes.An added advantage of having a professional CV writing service in Mumbai is the wide range of services which they offe r. Some of them provide services to students in your school. While others specialize in unique, specializations. So you should check what kind of CV writing service you'll get. Having a tailor-made CV helps in reducing the costs associated with sending out your resume.You can also get a great service if you have knowledge about your career. Make sure that you've gone through the CV writing service's webpage carefully so that you can find the services that can best suit your career.If you are experienced with CV writing, you can already provide your own resume for hire. However, in this case, you might require some extra time before your resume is sent to the service. You can check out CV writing service websites so that you can find the free samples which you can print out and look at to get a first impression of the CV writing service in Mumbai.For those who are not too familiar with the CV writing services in Mumbai, the online CV writing service website could be your best bet. Th e website will be able to direct you to where you can fill out the requirements for the CV writing service in Mumbai.It will ask you personal details about yourself and answer all the queries you might have. It will also provide you with samples of CV examples which you can use as a base to get a better idea of the services offered by the CV writing service in Mumbai. Once you get the basic idea of the CV writing service in Mumbai, it will be easier for you to find the services that best suits your career.It's easy to get a professional resume once you know the ways to make your resume more creative. It will be more enjoyable if you're not working with a letter but rather with a CV that makes your resume more creative.